As i turn 27 today i want to say THANKYOU
First and foremost, a big Thankyou to our Creator, to the King of Kings for speaking to me through this year, walking with me and growing me, preserving me and my family through thick and thin!...the list is endless..
Thank you to my parents for providing me with love and working so hard to provide all the opportunities the world has to offer. For believing in me, trusting me and loving me unconditionally.Pure angels on this earth.
A huge thank you to a beautiful sister whose love and generosity i simply can not explain, another angel! and to brothers who, in their own macho way, express their love :-)
A huge thank you to friends who have inspired me, walked with me, talked sense into me. Thank you for being the shoulders i cried on, the smiles i looked foward to and the words of encouragemnt and love. For accepting me as i am, knowing that i, we, are all under construction, i say Thankyou
I am truly blessed. I can only pray that He helps me be a blessing to others.
much love
zahara
Friday, December 11, 2009
Which seed are you??
Mark 4:14
"The farmer sows the word.
Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.
Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy.But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.
Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word;but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.
Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown.”
Now, there was a time when i would feel excellent , happy and even maybe 'holy'. This was between 9-11 am on Sunday mornings when I attended the compulsory church down the road. I felt I had been good and God is happy because i went to church. Did that all through my teenage years until I was old enough to say 'No'. I wasnt growing, i hated it , and it bored me...i had had enough
You need a place where you grow, where you are challenged, where Gods word is applied to your life. A place where if you miss a single service, you feel you have missed out on gold, on knowledge, wisdom,strength...power. ~Power to overcome, to love, to live. A place where you grow with others. Christians who hold you, carry you, push you.A place where you are NEVER judged even when...especially when you fall!
If the above doesnt describe your church, ...maybe you need to move. Move quickly before you stagnate. Before you forget you have a purpose, a destiny...that you are on the clock and have a job to do!
I want to be the one who "hear(s) the word, accept(s) it, and produce(s) a crop"!
See , the enemy is always ever so busy stealing your dreams, your visions, your God given destiny, and we dont seem to put up a fight. he then places you around people who remind you that "you cant do it", "your useless" and bingo...his work is done. he sits back, takes a sip of whisky and proclaims..it is done.
Maybe you get excited on sunday mornings, the service was excellent, youre pumped up to conquer and change the world...then immediately you leave church,...the brilliant ideas you had , the promises you made to change during service...dissapear. You get into the car, and drive Mobil, order a pizza...by the time you take the first bite...its gone. You cant even remember what the pastor said, what you promised yourself to do. You cant even rememebr the peson you were to call and seek forgiveness from, the relationship you were to sort out, the job you were to apply for, ....Then you repeat all over again the following sunday...maybe this time you order chicken instead
Remember he comes like a thief in the night.. to kill, steal and destroy. Unfortuneatly we make it too easy for him. he can only continue doing it if you let him.
Take charge of your life, ask the Creator to restore all that has been stolen! Ask him to ignite the idea He gave you in your sleep, the passion you felt to reconcile with a loved one last sunday, the heart to forgive the one who hurt you. ...
Ask, He is your father, He will provide. Your father never turns His back, He never changes, He never moves...we move, we change, we turn our backs...but He is patient...i mean, we are still here arent we? With all our wickedness , we are still here. Its not ended yet because he is waiting, waiting patiently for you to turn your heart to Him and be saved from eternal pain. but remember, the clock is ticking...
you need to make a decision..or the devourer will make it for you.
Please dont let the enemy sit back, have his sip of whisky and proclaim ...it is done. Please stand up, for you and your family and declare "Satan, get behind me, I have work to do and your crowding my space! It is only done when the Creator says it is so depart from my life, Jesus is coming in!"
Or you could simply go on, next Sunday..this time...you order chinese
"The farmer sows the word.
Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them.
Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy.But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away.
Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word;but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful.
Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown.”
Now, there was a time when i would feel excellent , happy and even maybe 'holy'. This was between 9-11 am on Sunday mornings when I attended the compulsory church down the road. I felt I had been good and God is happy because i went to church. Did that all through my teenage years until I was old enough to say 'No'. I wasnt growing, i hated it , and it bored me...i had had enough
You need a place where you grow, where you are challenged, where Gods word is applied to your life. A place where if you miss a single service, you feel you have missed out on gold, on knowledge, wisdom,strength...power. ~Power to overcome, to love, to live. A place where you grow with others. Christians who hold you, carry you, push you.A place where you are NEVER judged even when...especially when you fall!
If the above doesnt describe your church, ...maybe you need to move. Move quickly before you stagnate. Before you forget you have a purpose, a destiny...that you are on the clock and have a job to do!
I want to be the one who "hear(s) the word, accept(s) it, and produce(s) a crop"!
See , the enemy is always ever so busy stealing your dreams, your visions, your God given destiny, and we dont seem to put up a fight. he then places you around people who remind you that "you cant do it", "your useless" and bingo...his work is done. he sits back, takes a sip of whisky and proclaims..it is done.
Maybe you get excited on sunday mornings, the service was excellent, youre pumped up to conquer and change the world...then immediately you leave church,...the brilliant ideas you had , the promises you made to change during service...dissapear. You get into the car, and drive Mobil, order a pizza...by the time you take the first bite...its gone. You cant even remember what the pastor said, what you promised yourself to do. You cant even rememebr the peson you were to call and seek forgiveness from, the relationship you were to sort out, the job you were to apply for, ....Then you repeat all over again the following sunday...maybe this time you order chicken instead
Remember he comes like a thief in the night.. to kill, steal and destroy. Unfortuneatly we make it too easy for him. he can only continue doing it if you let him.
Take charge of your life, ask the Creator to restore all that has been stolen! Ask him to ignite the idea He gave you in your sleep, the passion you felt to reconcile with a loved one last sunday, the heart to forgive the one who hurt you. ...
Ask, He is your father, He will provide. Your father never turns His back, He never changes, He never moves...we move, we change, we turn our backs...but He is patient...i mean, we are still here arent we? With all our wickedness , we are still here. Its not ended yet because he is waiting, waiting patiently for you to turn your heart to Him and be saved from eternal pain. but remember, the clock is ticking...
you need to make a decision..or the devourer will make it for you.
Please dont let the enemy sit back, have his sip of whisky and proclaim ...it is done. Please stand up, for you and your family and declare "Satan, get behind me, I have work to do and your crowding my space! It is only done when the Creator says it is so depart from my life, Jesus is coming in!"
Or you could simply go on, next Sunday..this time...you order chinese
Friday, November 20, 2009
It shall not happen
I just attended an excellent presentation all about personal safety and so on…
There were many lessons to be learnt; how to deal with robberies, carjacking…
Now, all was good until…at one point I felt I was battling ….reason being…his words:
“It shall happen to you, It will happen to you so be prepared!”
“Carjacking will happen to you, people will break into your homes…”
I just immediately started praying, thinking and screaming in my head “What are you saying, No, No, No!!!” I kept saying “God I refuse that report, in the name of Jesus.”
At the end of the presentation I approached the presenter, and had a word with him privately. I kindly asked him to maybe alter his words…to it may, or it can ….we discussed the issue.
See, the problem is the presenter at the time, became the authority, we were all under his voice. …and as he spoke, people simply nodded and agreed with him.
See, as we travel through this journey, we need to be very aware of the reports that are put to us, and what we accept.
This of course is all my opinion, but I felt if I simply nodded and accepted, I was then giving the devil entry to timetable a carjacking, and burglary, into my life.
See, just as God has a plan, and a timetable regarding you and how you will fulfill you’re purpose…., the enemy also has a plan and time table for you. He can only guess at the future (as he can not know and does not have the power to tell the future…but as he has observed humans since the Garden of Eden, he kinda knows you’re response to situations he will throw at you, and how to fool you so he can sneak in through the back doors you open.)
Please don’t let people speak empty words into your life, or worse still proclaim doom over you’re life: please remember:
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." (Proverbs 18:21)
Yes, some of you think this is all extreme and that I have lost some marbles along the way…but in a few months or years, you will understand what I meant.
There were many lessons to be learnt; how to deal with robberies, carjacking…
Now, all was good until…at one point I felt I was battling ….reason being…his words:
“It shall happen to you, It will happen to you so be prepared!”
“Carjacking will happen to you, people will break into your homes…”
I just immediately started praying, thinking and screaming in my head “What are you saying, No, No, No!!!” I kept saying “God I refuse that report, in the name of Jesus.”
At the end of the presentation I approached the presenter, and had a word with him privately. I kindly asked him to maybe alter his words…to it may, or it can ….we discussed the issue.
See, the problem is the presenter at the time, became the authority, we were all under his voice. …and as he spoke, people simply nodded and agreed with him.
See, as we travel through this journey, we need to be very aware of the reports that are put to us, and what we accept.
This of course is all my opinion, but I felt if I simply nodded and accepted, I was then giving the devil entry to timetable a carjacking, and burglary, into my life.
See, just as God has a plan, and a timetable regarding you and how you will fulfill you’re purpose…., the enemy also has a plan and time table for you. He can only guess at the future (as he can not know and does not have the power to tell the future…but as he has observed humans since the Garden of Eden, he kinda knows you’re response to situations he will throw at you, and how to fool you so he can sneak in through the back doors you open.)
Please don’t let people speak empty words into your life, or worse still proclaim doom over you’re life: please remember:
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." (Proverbs 18:21)
Yes, some of you think this is all extreme and that I have lost some marbles along the way…but in a few months or years, you will understand what I meant.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The hunt
For the last 2 years I have been on the hunt…the hunt for THE gift(s), my gift(s)
Those who have walked closely with me are nodding their heads right now …:-)
See as I have been growing, I have been blessed to see many blessed with gifts…
So am usually like…Me, Me, Me, what’s my gift, when's MY turn???
So I am ever so expectant of THE GIFT(s)…
All other retreats I have prophecies that are amazing, this time, it was eemmmm...Well, not so bright and chirpy. And from 2 very different sources…
It was repeated that I am fearful of my calling, and I’m like…eeemmm…if I knew what it was, then I would know if I am fearful or not…
So, I was like God, why is it when it comes to me you seem to be speaking in parables? As in seriously?? So I had a debate with God (more of me crying my eyes out whining:why,when …)
I mean, that night the prophecies were so clear for most …except me!
So I felt a little played and whined and whined…and was truly frustrated. (Arent we lucky God is a patient God and doesnt strike us down with a lightning bolt when we are eeemmm, acting up!)
Now, I have to share something…the power of walking with the right people in life..wise people.
I shared something I wrote and my friend asked, why were you searching so hard when you’re gift is so clear?
One thing I do know, once God speaks, usually it takes about a week for it to make sense to me (I think its my thick skull…hmmm)
So, I have found my calling, my gift… well, one of them.
I don’t know what other gifts He has in store for me, and I am excited about it, but I am not anxious anymore.
Gods timing is truly the right timing. That evening, if He told me I have the gift of healing and prophecy, as my friend was told, I would probably go into panic mode and say how, me, what,….and then faint.
So , what have I learnt:
1. Trust God that it will be revealed at the right time. And no amount of laying of hands will make it be revealed sooner!
2. For talents: think back to things you loved in childhood (music, dancing, art, math’s…)
3. Walk with the right people, wise people. Always seek the wise (and read His word to receive wisdom, all the answers are in His book.) For when you are too dense and looking in the wrong direction, they will nudge you and point you in the right direction. God speaks through the body of Christ (the church). When you cant hear, or choose not too, He will use someone else, or something to get your attention.
4. Write down your prophecies, for they will surely come to pass. (Of course, prophecies, are usually confirmed by 2 or 3 other sources, who are not linked. And they are always to build you up and not put you down…choose wisely who you let speak into your life...)
5. Patience, Patience, Patience my child. He will speak, and you will hear.
For a while it seemed people were zooming passed, even my own students seemed to grow at a rate I wasn’t. And I asked God why?
His answer was simple, you have the calling and anointing, but you are fearful...
Ouch.
I constantly seek to hear from Him, for I don’t seem to be able to, sometimes. But it works just as a bank does...you deposit (prayer, following His word, investing time in him), and then you can withdraw (you can hear His word, Things are no longer in parables, He grows you ).Yes, for some people it may happen almost over night, but understand that He has a different path for everyone and their purpose may need them to awaken to His word, slightly earlier as things need to be done.
So yes, I will seek to know Him first, sow first, and then will be able to reap. And sometimes dont go searching too far and wide, the answer may be literally ...right under your nose.
Those who have walked closely with me are nodding their heads right now …:-)
See as I have been growing, I have been blessed to see many blessed with gifts…
So am usually like…Me, Me, Me, what’s my gift, when's MY turn???
So I am ever so expectant of THE GIFT(s)…
All other retreats I have prophecies that are amazing, this time, it was eemmmm...Well, not so bright and chirpy. And from 2 very different sources…
It was repeated that I am fearful of my calling, and I’m like…eeemmm…if I knew what it was, then I would know if I am fearful or not…
So, I was like God, why is it when it comes to me you seem to be speaking in parables? As in seriously?? So I had a debate with God (more of me crying my eyes out whining:why,when …)
I mean, that night the prophecies were so clear for most …except me!
So I felt a little played and whined and whined…and was truly frustrated. (Arent we lucky God is a patient God and doesnt strike us down with a lightning bolt when we are eeemmm, acting up!)
Now, I have to share something…the power of walking with the right people in life..wise people.
I shared something I wrote and my friend asked, why were you searching so hard when you’re gift is so clear?
One thing I do know, once God speaks, usually it takes about a week for it to make sense to me (I think its my thick skull…hmmm)
So, I have found my calling, my gift… well, one of them.
I don’t know what other gifts He has in store for me, and I am excited about it, but I am not anxious anymore.
Gods timing is truly the right timing. That evening, if He told me I have the gift of healing and prophecy, as my friend was told, I would probably go into panic mode and say how, me, what,….and then faint.
So , what have I learnt:
1. Trust God that it will be revealed at the right time. And no amount of laying of hands will make it be revealed sooner!
2. For talents: think back to things you loved in childhood (music, dancing, art, math’s…)
3. Walk with the right people, wise people. Always seek the wise (and read His word to receive wisdom, all the answers are in His book.) For when you are too dense and looking in the wrong direction, they will nudge you and point you in the right direction. God speaks through the body of Christ (the church). When you cant hear, or choose not too, He will use someone else, or something to get your attention.
4. Write down your prophecies, for they will surely come to pass. (Of course, prophecies, are usually confirmed by 2 or 3 other sources, who are not linked. And they are always to build you up and not put you down…choose wisely who you let speak into your life...)
5. Patience, Patience, Patience my child. He will speak, and you will hear.
For a while it seemed people were zooming passed, even my own students seemed to grow at a rate I wasn’t. And I asked God why?
His answer was simple, you have the calling and anointing, but you are fearful...
Ouch.
I constantly seek to hear from Him, for I don’t seem to be able to, sometimes. But it works just as a bank does...you deposit (prayer, following His word, investing time in him), and then you can withdraw (you can hear His word, Things are no longer in parables, He grows you ).Yes, for some people it may happen almost over night, but understand that He has a different path for everyone and their purpose may need them to awaken to His word, slightly earlier as things need to be done.
So yes, I will seek to know Him first, sow first, and then will be able to reap. And sometimes dont go searching too far and wide, the answer may be literally ...right under your nose.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
untitled 2
Saturday, August 1, 2009 at 5:38am
So yes,I am back onto this page, much sooner than I anticipated I must admit. A friend suggested a good place to pour my heart out,...a blog, and will most def try it. For now, this will have to do, for my imperfections, are for all to see, (almost), for i have nothing to hide. And for the ones who want to judge, guess they have more issues than me.
So yes, why am I back here, and why don’t i have a darn title for this continuation...well..twas that feeling again. That feeling between your throat and belly ... (and no, not heartburn..). But yes, why did that rise up again, I mean, it almost felt like I was disappointed, but how can you be disappointed when you didn’t expect anything. Guess it’s the ‘me pointing a finger at someone thing, and three fingers are pointing right back at me’
So, me and my ‘emotions’ have been together for the last 26 years...and you would figure we pretty much know each other pretty well. Only problem is , rarely do I feel and think what i actually am supposed to feel and think, rather i am influenced to feel and think in a certain manner...get my drift???..Now is when i totally understand a certain gentleman who mentioned that he gets uncomfortable when a woman begins a sentence with the words ‘I feel like’. I mean, that’s similar to , I don’t ‘feel like’ going to work today, I ‘feel like’ having a chocolate, i ‘feel like’ that woman hates me, 'i feel like' you ignore me these days....yes...I understand now, and boy do I hate to admit that this certain gentleman may be right(a chapter for another day).
So now it will be...i am happy, I am sad,...get my drift??So back to the question of what is me, what is TV and radio ingrained in me, and what are the whispers and suggestions from the one around me...
So yes, ...still on the operating table. I guess It’s me, and finding my identity, which lies in Him. And I know he is moulding me, polishing and smoothening me out to be the diamond he created me to be...but sometimes the welding and chipping away gets a little painful and i wish a panadol could sort it out. But i guess the pain doesn’t last long, especially as you ask Him to sort it out.
It’s amazing how an emotion can disappear as soon as you refuse to acknowledge it, and choose not to ‘feel’ it. Guess I need to give myself a break and remember He created me in His image and likeness, so i am really truly awesome, just need to get that into my head..lol
And why is it that some people trigger such intense emotions...i mean...it’s not lust...we’re over that...and it isn’t love...coz that takes a looong time to develop. I mean love is partly being able to still want to be with your partner even after finding out the MAJOR issues THEY have! (But i am learning a new sort of love, a pure, brotherly love....yes, it exists.)
What i do know now, is i refuse to be a puppet to the world and hence i will have my emotion checker ready....emotion comes in, i investigate its origin and intended destination(usually heart and/or mind)...divert it. sample:
Anger checks in, and I’m like, dude, u got the wrong address. i kick him out and tell him there’s no room for him in this temple. See, he’s one of the most evil ones. At first, he actually seems to be you’re friend and fills you with a sort of 'justification’...a sense of...well...u know what i mean. and a part of you’re soul enjoys him and sneaks him in. See i compare him to a bottle of tequila....what started off as one fun shot, ends up with u hugging your roommates toilet bowl, with uncontrollable contractions, head buzzing and a question of why, why did u do this??. See , he is just as good as having a best fiend living with you ,who then betrays you by sleeping with your husband and having his 4 children. You let him in, he will slowly, but surely destroy you, and those around you. He is tempting, makes u feel good for a while, and never really stays to see the carnage he has left behind. He swifly moves on.
Jealousy tries to check in I tell her to SOD off for there’s a no entry sign posted with her name and picture on it. See I have encountered her before and she turns u into an ugly creature, far beyond youre comprehension and realisation. Best to keep her out, always! She seems gorgeous and usually has her twin sister 'envy; with her. They skip along and ask you to join them, and if you don’t stop to look into their eyes, you will be lost in their warped world, trapped in a maze with no way out. If you did take a second to look, you would see beyond her flawless skin, and bouncy curls...deep pools of darkness that display the very centre of her soul. See, what she doesn’t tell you is that she needs you to join her in her world of misery, confusion, and she will then introduce you to her best friends anxiety and low-self esteem.She never really leaves, until fully evicted. she moves in with her 12 cats, 6 geese, 4 snakes and a smelly pig.she uses your tooth brush, empties out your fridge, and uses up the last roll of tissue.She never willingly gives up her accomodation. Lo and behold, Prozac prescriptions...yup..rising.
Happiness visits and I invite her in to have a seat and cool off,..and no..not happiness that comes in a little white package, from tiny mushrooms, tequila or ganja, (those are all fake imitations straight from Beijing)...Just her in her pure yellow summery dress self, With no hangover effects!!So i pour her a glass of juice and bake her a scrumptious apple pie, her favourite...see with her, i do anything, anything to keep her around. i am at my best with her and Joy, my 2 best friends. See , if you dont appreciate them , and look for them every day, they can seem to have stopped coming over when all along, they were patiently waiting outside for you to come into the world, and explore it with them, but that was the day you chose to stay in bed and cry your heart out coz some boy didnt call, or u called in sick coz u cant stand your boss, or ...u get my drift. See, its not that she hides from you, or goes on vacation, in fact, u seem to hide from her and shut the door on her. and since she's a lady, she does not beg..She’ll leave a few messages then pick up her rejected self and move on. She, unlike the rest, isnt persistent, she is patient and kind, and honours you’re choices.But she will still visit you every morning to check if you will let her in,after a few knocks she gives up and tries to catch you during your busy day.Thing is, as she left, her enemies were already in line to take you over, and block all interaction with her for the day.,,
Loneliness...lol..he doesn’t feature much in my vocabulary. He is such a Looser!!dude man, this guy is some skinny short dude, handsomely challenged. He walks around sagging his baggy jeans, gangsta like wanabe thinking he is jayz or smtin.lol. Guy is such a looser, but never ever underestimate him.He carries with him weapons . He offers you help, help to make the wrong choices like picking up the phone to call an abusive x. Dude’s malicious man. If you let him in, you will find yourself constantly moaning how ‘lonely’ you are. check youself, never utter those words!lo and behold, ..yup..say it with me...prozac prescriptions keep on rising
Sadness checks in and I ask for strength from the Holy Spirit. See, i figure there are 2 types of sadness, the first, is just as pathetic as loneliness. I will introduce her as the 'self pity bug'. She’s not very good looking, pretty hideous actually, but she’s a part of you, if you let her be. she is the ‘why me?’, the ‘i wana kill myself coz i am fat and ugly and no boys like me’. She is only powerful if you let her be. you need to kick her sorry behind out of you.See she’s so whack she doesn’t even have her own identity really. True sadness on the other hand, the empty, low feeling, or feeling of loss...amongst others...reach out to Him. Ask Him to pull you out or to send his angels to carry you on their wings as you ride out the wave. He can raise you up above the strom and give you peace that surpases all understanding.Malice,...well, to be honest, i only see him on T.V and i wana keep it that that way
Lust tries to poke her head in i kick the b£$%^and do not even let her utter a word as she is dangerous. She hangs around street corners, outside your house and sometimes comes to bed with you. She’s pretty much like a prostitute, filled with filth, and uses your biological weaknesses, your polluted mind (tv, radio, ..all communcaition it seems) against you. See , the only card she has is the ‘suggestion’ card. Yet again, do not underestimate her.She suggests to you that that girl has an awesome behind, she suggests to you that 'so what if i kiss him, no one will ever know', she suggests to you 'how wonderful it would be to have his strong arms around you, his kiss on your forehead'. If you let her in, she will keep you pretty preoccupied with topics such as, 'how gorgeous her legs look in that tiny skirt', (even though the ‘her’ is your best friends wife..tuttut). The suggestion card may seem weak, but look at the theory of persuasion. The suggestion that you need to buy a a tommy hilfiger shirt, DnG bag...we live in a world full of suggestions. The suggestion that you need to ‘hit it’ with that girl, or bag that man. Her goal, is to turn the suggestion into action...she then invites her boyfriends (please note the plural) guilt and shame, and the roller coaster begins...or rather, the train ride from hell. A simple yet effective cycle of lust, action, guilt, shame, lust, action, guilt...you get my drift. So next time she suggests something slap the b*&^% and give her directions to the playboy mansion or Kim Kardashian’s residence.
Anxiety checks in, and turns you into a panic freak. Trust me, i know, ...so first few signs of her entry, deep breaths, and hand over the issue to the one above, remembering He has good plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
As a so called phleg-mel, i guess my circle is a small one, tight nevertheless. And if i let you in, you’re in for life...and i guess there are just those people who you will feel strongly for, with no apparent reason or logic. A sort of bond, but not an ungodly soul tie...that’s not healthy, lol. So yes, working on not being so analytical, touchy,...just a little more careful on who i let into my circle of trust, and a little more prudent on the weapons listed above for their strategies do change, but I’m pretty prepared for i do not fight the fight alone, He has already won battle for me.so for now, checking out
So yes,I am back onto this page, much sooner than I anticipated I must admit. A friend suggested a good place to pour my heart out,...a blog, and will most def try it. For now, this will have to do, for my imperfections, are for all to see, (almost), for i have nothing to hide. And for the ones who want to judge, guess they have more issues than me.
So yes, why am I back here, and why don’t i have a darn title for this continuation...well..twas that feeling again. That feeling between your throat and belly ... (and no, not heartburn..). But yes, why did that rise up again, I mean, it almost felt like I was disappointed, but how can you be disappointed when you didn’t expect anything. Guess it’s the ‘me pointing a finger at someone thing, and three fingers are pointing right back at me’
So, me and my ‘emotions’ have been together for the last 26 years...and you would figure we pretty much know each other pretty well. Only problem is , rarely do I feel and think what i actually am supposed to feel and think, rather i am influenced to feel and think in a certain manner...get my drift???..Now is when i totally understand a certain gentleman who mentioned that he gets uncomfortable when a woman begins a sentence with the words ‘I feel like’. I mean, that’s similar to , I don’t ‘feel like’ going to work today, I ‘feel like’ having a chocolate, i ‘feel like’ that woman hates me, 'i feel like' you ignore me these days....yes...I understand now, and boy do I hate to admit that this certain gentleman may be right(a chapter for another day).
So now it will be...i am happy, I am sad,...get my drift??So back to the question of what is me, what is TV and radio ingrained in me, and what are the whispers and suggestions from the one around me...
So yes, ...still on the operating table. I guess It’s me, and finding my identity, which lies in Him. And I know he is moulding me, polishing and smoothening me out to be the diamond he created me to be...but sometimes the welding and chipping away gets a little painful and i wish a panadol could sort it out. But i guess the pain doesn’t last long, especially as you ask Him to sort it out.
It’s amazing how an emotion can disappear as soon as you refuse to acknowledge it, and choose not to ‘feel’ it. Guess I need to give myself a break and remember He created me in His image and likeness, so i am really truly awesome, just need to get that into my head..lol
And why is it that some people trigger such intense emotions...i mean...it’s not lust...we’re over that...and it isn’t love...coz that takes a looong time to develop. I mean love is partly being able to still want to be with your partner even after finding out the MAJOR issues THEY have! (But i am learning a new sort of love, a pure, brotherly love....yes, it exists.)
What i do know now, is i refuse to be a puppet to the world and hence i will have my emotion checker ready....emotion comes in, i investigate its origin and intended destination(usually heart and/or mind)...divert it. sample:
Anger checks in, and I’m like, dude, u got the wrong address. i kick him out and tell him there’s no room for him in this temple. See, he’s one of the most evil ones. At first, he actually seems to be you’re friend and fills you with a sort of 'justification’...a sense of...well...u know what i mean. and a part of you’re soul enjoys him and sneaks him in. See i compare him to a bottle of tequila....what started off as one fun shot, ends up with u hugging your roommates toilet bowl, with uncontrollable contractions, head buzzing and a question of why, why did u do this??. See , he is just as good as having a best fiend living with you ,who then betrays you by sleeping with your husband and having his 4 children. You let him in, he will slowly, but surely destroy you, and those around you. He is tempting, makes u feel good for a while, and never really stays to see the carnage he has left behind. He swifly moves on.
Jealousy tries to check in I tell her to SOD off for there’s a no entry sign posted with her name and picture on it. See I have encountered her before and she turns u into an ugly creature, far beyond youre comprehension and realisation. Best to keep her out, always! She seems gorgeous and usually has her twin sister 'envy; with her. They skip along and ask you to join them, and if you don’t stop to look into their eyes, you will be lost in their warped world, trapped in a maze with no way out. If you did take a second to look, you would see beyond her flawless skin, and bouncy curls...deep pools of darkness that display the very centre of her soul. See, what she doesn’t tell you is that she needs you to join her in her world of misery, confusion, and she will then introduce you to her best friends anxiety and low-self esteem.She never really leaves, until fully evicted. she moves in with her 12 cats, 6 geese, 4 snakes and a smelly pig.she uses your tooth brush, empties out your fridge, and uses up the last roll of tissue.She never willingly gives up her accomodation. Lo and behold, Prozac prescriptions...yup..rising.
Happiness visits and I invite her in to have a seat and cool off,..and no..not happiness that comes in a little white package, from tiny mushrooms, tequila or ganja, (those are all fake imitations straight from Beijing)...Just her in her pure yellow summery dress self, With no hangover effects!!So i pour her a glass of juice and bake her a scrumptious apple pie, her favourite...see with her, i do anything, anything to keep her around. i am at my best with her and Joy, my 2 best friends. See , if you dont appreciate them , and look for them every day, they can seem to have stopped coming over when all along, they were patiently waiting outside for you to come into the world, and explore it with them, but that was the day you chose to stay in bed and cry your heart out coz some boy didnt call, or u called in sick coz u cant stand your boss, or ...u get my drift. See, its not that she hides from you, or goes on vacation, in fact, u seem to hide from her and shut the door on her. and since she's a lady, she does not beg..She’ll leave a few messages then pick up her rejected self and move on. She, unlike the rest, isnt persistent, she is patient and kind, and honours you’re choices.But she will still visit you every morning to check if you will let her in,after a few knocks she gives up and tries to catch you during your busy day.Thing is, as she left, her enemies were already in line to take you over, and block all interaction with her for the day.,,
Loneliness...lol..he doesn’t feature much in my vocabulary. He is such a Looser!!dude man, this guy is some skinny short dude, handsomely challenged. He walks around sagging his baggy jeans, gangsta like wanabe thinking he is jayz or smtin.lol. Guy is such a looser, but never ever underestimate him.He carries with him weapons . He offers you help, help to make the wrong choices like picking up the phone to call an abusive x. Dude’s malicious man. If you let him in, you will find yourself constantly moaning how ‘lonely’ you are. check youself, never utter those words!lo and behold, ..yup..say it with me...prozac prescriptions keep on rising
Sadness checks in and I ask for strength from the Holy Spirit. See, i figure there are 2 types of sadness, the first, is just as pathetic as loneliness. I will introduce her as the 'self pity bug'. She’s not very good looking, pretty hideous actually, but she’s a part of you, if you let her be. she is the ‘why me?’, the ‘i wana kill myself coz i am fat and ugly and no boys like me’. She is only powerful if you let her be. you need to kick her sorry behind out of you.See she’s so whack she doesn’t even have her own identity really. True sadness on the other hand, the empty, low feeling, or feeling of loss...amongst others...reach out to Him. Ask Him to pull you out or to send his angels to carry you on their wings as you ride out the wave. He can raise you up above the strom and give you peace that surpases all understanding.Malice,...well, to be honest, i only see him on T.V and i wana keep it that that way
Lust tries to poke her head in i kick the b£$%^and do not even let her utter a word as she is dangerous. She hangs around street corners, outside your house and sometimes comes to bed with you. She’s pretty much like a prostitute, filled with filth, and uses your biological weaknesses, your polluted mind (tv, radio, ..all communcaition it seems) against you. See , the only card she has is the ‘suggestion’ card. Yet again, do not underestimate her.She suggests to you that that girl has an awesome behind, she suggests to you that 'so what if i kiss him, no one will ever know', she suggests to you 'how wonderful it would be to have his strong arms around you, his kiss on your forehead'. If you let her in, she will keep you pretty preoccupied with topics such as, 'how gorgeous her legs look in that tiny skirt', (even though the ‘her’ is your best friends wife..tuttut). The suggestion card may seem weak, but look at the theory of persuasion. The suggestion that you need to buy a a tommy hilfiger shirt, DnG bag...we live in a world full of suggestions. The suggestion that you need to ‘hit it’ with that girl, or bag that man. Her goal, is to turn the suggestion into action...she then invites her boyfriends (please note the plural) guilt and shame, and the roller coaster begins...or rather, the train ride from hell. A simple yet effective cycle of lust, action, guilt, shame, lust, action, guilt...you get my drift. So next time she suggests something slap the b*&^% and give her directions to the playboy mansion or Kim Kardashian’s residence.
Anxiety checks in, and turns you into a panic freak. Trust me, i know, ...so first few signs of her entry, deep breaths, and hand over the issue to the one above, remembering He has good plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
As a so called phleg-mel, i guess my circle is a small one, tight nevertheless. And if i let you in, you’re in for life...and i guess there are just those people who you will feel strongly for, with no apparent reason or logic. A sort of bond, but not an ungodly soul tie...that’s not healthy, lol. So yes, working on not being so analytical, touchy,...just a little more careful on who i let into my circle of trust, and a little more prudent on the weapons listed above for their strategies do change, but I’m pretty prepared for i do not fight the fight alone, He has already won battle for me.so for now, checking out
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 8:53pm
When you're heart aches,...or is it your heart...thats so cliche...but yes, there is a pain, not sure why...welll, kind of.It sort of sits in between youre throat and belly.
its so hard doin whats right. You fall, graze a knee, get back up again. But sometimes you fall, break an ankle, rib, and puncture a flippin lung and end up in A&E and you simply, clearly cant get up on your own. All my life i try and avoid the A&E situation, but when does the grazing of knees and twisting of ankles stop? i mean, it should have stopped way earlier, at least in my teens right? we're wiser now right, grown up, no running around playing hide and seek, and tripping,..... instead we steadely...carefully.... march onto oncoming traffic, almost get run over, and still get back onto the busy highway, ever so carefully, coz we're older now, we dont run, children run...
so, i know where to turn to.always have.which is good coz He sorts things out. and i guess the reality may be, you may need to break every part of your body, and have Him fix it all over again...every tendon, ligament.full body reconstruction.i get it, and sometimes your falls are cushioned, a bit of a warning.but do you ever learn?
so yes, when do we get up, grow up?i guess never??when do the struggles stop, ...i mean the battles in your heart and mind, one force against another.Just when u gain victory and get comfortable, you let your guard down, when you get that smug look on your face ...u get punched in the face for it, and boy does it hurt.
so emotions, a roller coster...cliche, yes..but whats actually me, whats tv and radio ingrained in me, and whats the whispers of the one around me.when I'm sad, am i actually sad or programed to think i am , and thus end up 'sad'? when we 'love' , 'like', ...lust or spiritual connection? u tell me.
i am no longer smug, the punch in the face of my weakness sorted that out so, what do you do when you do something that isnt good, and yet, ...u really actually, dont feel that bad.i guess you come to the realisation it really isnt and wasnt good...with time.Is it all a game we choose to partake in?willing participants?comical. It seems we can be puppets.Coz sometimes you think your on the side line,watching the game...but lo and behold, ure damn right in the centre of it. U aint no cheerleader or the chubby kid with the hotdog in the stands...ure in, and there's only 2 options, win or loose. pride comes in.ofcourse youre doin ok, all's well right?ofcourse your winning right?
guess still have a lot of growing up to do, and now know never to be too comfortable, coz the consequences not only affect me but my destiny and that of others.so when do you know when the season is over. when is it time to move and leave a dear one behind as you take separate paths?....since i dont have the courage, i will take the easier option and place it in His hands for i am weak, so weak.so yes, in His hands i leave it for i know nothing. i say, His will shall be done.And if His will is for one to part ways with another so be it, for its one season over, and another begins. What did I harvest in the season, what did i sow or reap? thats the answer.
another chapter begins...Praying for wisdom.sweet wisdom
When you're heart aches,...or is it your heart...thats so cliche...but yes, there is a pain, not sure why...welll, kind of.It sort of sits in between youre throat and belly.
its so hard doin whats right. You fall, graze a knee, get back up again. But sometimes you fall, break an ankle, rib, and puncture a flippin lung and end up in A&E and you simply, clearly cant get up on your own. All my life i try and avoid the A&E situation, but when does the grazing of knees and twisting of ankles stop? i mean, it should have stopped way earlier, at least in my teens right? we're wiser now right, grown up, no running around playing hide and seek, and tripping,..... instead we steadely...carefully.... march onto oncoming traffic, almost get run over, and still get back onto the busy highway, ever so carefully, coz we're older now, we dont run, children run...
so, i know where to turn to.always have.which is good coz He sorts things out. and i guess the reality may be, you may need to break every part of your body, and have Him fix it all over again...every tendon, ligament.full body reconstruction.i get it, and sometimes your falls are cushioned, a bit of a warning.but do you ever learn?
so yes, when do we get up, grow up?i guess never??when do the struggles stop, ...i mean the battles in your heart and mind, one force against another.Just when u gain victory and get comfortable, you let your guard down, when you get that smug look on your face ...u get punched in the face for it, and boy does it hurt.
so emotions, a roller coster...cliche, yes..but whats actually me, whats tv and radio ingrained in me, and whats the whispers of the one around me.when I'm sad, am i actually sad or programed to think i am , and thus end up 'sad'? when we 'love' , 'like', ...lust or spiritual connection? u tell me.
i am no longer smug, the punch in the face of my weakness sorted that out so, what do you do when you do something that isnt good, and yet, ...u really actually, dont feel that bad.i guess you come to the realisation it really isnt and wasnt good...with time.Is it all a game we choose to partake in?willing participants?comical. It seems we can be puppets.Coz sometimes you think your on the side line,watching the game...but lo and behold, ure damn right in the centre of it. U aint no cheerleader or the chubby kid with the hotdog in the stands...ure in, and there's only 2 options, win or loose. pride comes in.ofcourse youre doin ok, all's well right?ofcourse your winning right?
guess still have a lot of growing up to do, and now know never to be too comfortable, coz the consequences not only affect me but my destiny and that of others.so when do you know when the season is over. when is it time to move and leave a dear one behind as you take separate paths?....since i dont have the courage, i will take the easier option and place it in His hands for i am weak, so weak.so yes, in His hands i leave it for i know nothing. i say, His will shall be done.And if His will is for one to part ways with another so be it, for its one season over, and another begins. What did I harvest in the season, what did i sow or reap? thats the answer.
another chapter begins...Praying for wisdom.sweet wisdom
ode to a new me...
ode to a new me.....goodbye old self.....(dedicated to all)
Friday, April 10, 2009 at 6:28am
I began this as I edited my profile...but then...it extended to more than a thought...so I continue...
I have lived most of my life really caring what people think about me, asking myself whether i have hurt you and whether you like what i am wearing. I sweat over what you’re thinking, have I offended you, is my perfume too strong, do i walk funny, are my teeth white enough...and let’s not forget...how many kilos have i gained,...so, i turn a new chapter, at 3:40am, 10/april/09 I begin a new me.
I am sick and tired. I will not spend energy thinking of you and what I 'MAY' have, 'COULD' have or 'SHOULD' have done. i am not going to turn extreme, I have my values... and ofcourse I would not want to intentionally or unintentionally offend anyone...but I will not let it take control of my life.
Turning worry into prayer works, so Less worry and anxiety is the way forward. . so if you are reading this and i know you, please read on...if i dont know you, read on... if you like...
i am emptying out some garbage and unloading some bags off my tired shoulders. if you are someone who is always telling me 'how much weight i have gained', or "how funny my hair looks",...or whatever other random “lovely” (note the sarcasm ) things..., then i may need you out of my life for a little while. For unless you are in my sphere of the ones that i love; family and friends from childhood, people I respect and care for or hold in high esteem...keep your 'lovely' 'thoughtful' comments to thou self. I aint being harsh, just tired of your negative talk. It drains me and I don’t know why i tolerate it! If you are someone who talks of so and so, and how they have changed, and other mundane issues...keep away. It’s not that i don’t love you...or care for you..tis just that you are contagious and i don’t need to catch anything right now, i have enough of my own issues to deal with.
So please, if you fall in this list...understand. Understand that it’s not you, it’s me...well kind of.. (i know...cliche...). I am sick and tired of you using me to make you feel better! if you are weak and need my weakness to make yourself feel strong by showing me i am weaker than you are, or to make yourself feel attractive by showing me how less attractive i am, or need to remind me how so much thinner you are, and how i have a few more kilos than you do, or whatever other issues you have...take a minute reflect, ...and do the moonwalk out of my life. i love you, but can love you from a distance
If you somehow feel ‘compelled’ to talk about how so and so failed, and how you dont think she can do it....or how i cant do it...If you are ‘compelled’ to let me know that what i dream is impossible...keep away...or i will keep away. u simply have to understand that we can not exist in the same sphere at the moment.
If you fill me with encouragement, joy,...if you know you bring the best out of me, ..step a little closer as i need you. If you are the sunshine that creeps in after the rain,or the one who dances with me in the rain, ..the rainbow in my sky, come closer. If you love me for me, and know my potential, If you will never tell me to give up and always tell me the truth (loving truth, no matter how hurtful ) i invite you in.
i am sick and tired of the parasites and leeches that have been sucking the blood out of me and i did not realise what you were doin until i simply had no more blood to give...not even enough for myself. I say these words lovingly. for you seem not to understand, we all have issues, so did u not think that i hadnt noticed that “my hair looks 'funny' today”, that “my skirt has grown a little tighter”, or that i can not fit into my favourite jeans, that i didnt notice,as i awoke tired from 3-4 hours sleep with nill REM sleep that I 'look tired'...or do you just have to verbally or body signal-like state this??!!
If you feel i am not Kenyan enough and I put on my so called ‘accent’ and i can not speak my mother tongue and thus you are more Kenyan than me, or i am a spoilt brat from hillcrest secondary...keep it to yourself (for u have spent too much time analysing me, the way i talk, ...i mean...you must have something better to do? Don’t u?)...(and this IS the way i talk...i have no idea what my accent is...so get over it...i did!!), If you feel i am fat....keep it to yourself, if you feel my face is not looking as bright as usual...press your mute button, if you feel i look tired...shut it,...for you do not say these things in love or for cares sake...you say these things in/with contempt. Deal with yourself...i love u...but let me deal with me and u do the same.
So the next time you feel 'compelled' to utter your view, ...take a moment, breathe and ask yourself :
1. Am i saying this coz i care about her...truly care about her?
2.Am i saying this to her coz she is my friend and i love her?
3. Am i in her sphere of people she loves and respects and thus , cares for my opinion?
4.Am i building her up or breaking her down?
5.....yes...i thought so...if you got none of the above, it simply means...back up and keep the thought to yourself.
in simple words...shut it!For lack of better words, from Justin Timberlake, TI, and now ...me (please note these are not my role models at all...but if u knew me you would already know that)..."the old me is dead and gone."
For those who will want to join me in my journey, offering a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, dreams to share, laughter, sunshine, peace, reason, challenge, love, ...if you are gona teach me to reach new heights, challenge world views, think outside the very well defined claustrophobic box that Kenyan life can be...go ahead and walk with me, talk with me, laugh with me , cry with me...for lack of better words and reference for this rambling session:
" I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined,
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before me....."
yes u guessed it right, miss Natasha's lyrcis somehow came to mind...if you will join me in this journey and help me fill the 'blank page' with stories of triumph, patience, love, ...and all other life-related and not death driven things,...take my hand.
If you wish to help nourish my spirit and redirect and discipline my soul with words from His book, pull me up as I pull you up...take my hand....for together we will grow as the journey is a challenging one. When your flask runs dry and thirst creeps in, i will share my water with you...when you are weary and His words and promises seem distant, i will be by your side to remind you that He is forever faithful and will share your load...i will share your victories, happiness and also your pain and sorrow.
For the rest yall...u dont seem to realise,...as a 'so called' phlegmatic/melancholy...i have enough moods, negativity to conquer..i dont need u to drag me down your valley. Good bye for now, until i can handle you. So, if you have noticed me smile when you say all the negative things you can think of, its coz they will be bouncing right off me,... i will be nothing more than a mirror reflecting...for i refuse to be a sponge absorbing.
And if you get too much for my bearing..i will tell you to your face...with all the love ...if i say it, it means i care enough to want you in my sphere..if i dont...it means what you said, was a waste of energy on your part as it did not even bruise me, ...and my smile...will tell it all....you are nowhere in or near my sphere and thus my response is wasted energy and thus, i silently move on and leave you with your demons to deal with.
If i dare to do the same to you, and hurt you, ...rebuke me , tell me...for i am only human...for i would hate to be a leech: “leeches attach to their hosts and remain there until they become full, at which point they fall off to digest”...thanks wiki.
If you catch me being a leech, a negative bundle of sorrows,...slap me out of it, i will say sorry , slap myself again and snap back into me....
4:40 am...new chapter can begin...old chapter closed.
Friday, April 10, 2009 at 6:28am
I began this as I edited my profile...but then...it extended to more than a thought...so I continue...
I have lived most of my life really caring what people think about me, asking myself whether i have hurt you and whether you like what i am wearing. I sweat over what you’re thinking, have I offended you, is my perfume too strong, do i walk funny, are my teeth white enough...and let’s not forget...how many kilos have i gained,...so, i turn a new chapter, at 3:40am, 10/april/09 I begin a new me.
I am sick and tired. I will not spend energy thinking of you and what I 'MAY' have, 'COULD' have or 'SHOULD' have done. i am not going to turn extreme, I have my values... and ofcourse I would not want to intentionally or unintentionally offend anyone...but I will not let it take control of my life.
Turning worry into prayer works, so Less worry and anxiety is the way forward. . so if you are reading this and i know you, please read on...if i dont know you, read on... if you like...
i am emptying out some garbage and unloading some bags off my tired shoulders. if you are someone who is always telling me 'how much weight i have gained', or "how funny my hair looks",...or whatever other random “lovely” (note the sarcasm ) things..., then i may need you out of my life for a little while. For unless you are in my sphere of the ones that i love; family and friends from childhood, people I respect and care for or hold in high esteem...keep your 'lovely' 'thoughtful' comments to thou self. I aint being harsh, just tired of your negative talk. It drains me and I don’t know why i tolerate it! If you are someone who talks of so and so, and how they have changed, and other mundane issues...keep away. It’s not that i don’t love you...or care for you..tis just that you are contagious and i don’t need to catch anything right now, i have enough of my own issues to deal with.
So please, if you fall in this list...understand. Understand that it’s not you, it’s me...well kind of.. (i know...cliche...). I am sick and tired of you using me to make you feel better! if you are weak and need my weakness to make yourself feel strong by showing me i am weaker than you are, or to make yourself feel attractive by showing me how less attractive i am, or need to remind me how so much thinner you are, and how i have a few more kilos than you do, or whatever other issues you have...take a minute reflect, ...and do the moonwalk out of my life. i love you, but can love you from a distance
If you somehow feel ‘compelled’ to talk about how so and so failed, and how you dont think she can do it....or how i cant do it...If you are ‘compelled’ to let me know that what i dream is impossible...keep away...or i will keep away. u simply have to understand that we can not exist in the same sphere at the moment.
If you fill me with encouragement, joy,...if you know you bring the best out of me, ..step a little closer as i need you. If you are the sunshine that creeps in after the rain,or the one who dances with me in the rain, ..the rainbow in my sky, come closer. If you love me for me, and know my potential, If you will never tell me to give up and always tell me the truth (loving truth, no matter how hurtful ) i invite you in.
i am sick and tired of the parasites and leeches that have been sucking the blood out of me and i did not realise what you were doin until i simply had no more blood to give...not even enough for myself. I say these words lovingly. for you seem not to understand, we all have issues, so did u not think that i hadnt noticed that “my hair looks 'funny' today”, that “my skirt has grown a little tighter”, or that i can not fit into my favourite jeans, that i didnt notice,as i awoke tired from 3-4 hours sleep with nill REM sleep that I 'look tired'...or do you just have to verbally or body signal-like state this??!!
If you feel i am not Kenyan enough and I put on my so called ‘accent’ and i can not speak my mother tongue and thus you are more Kenyan than me, or i am a spoilt brat from hillcrest secondary...keep it to yourself (for u have spent too much time analysing me, the way i talk, ...i mean...you must have something better to do? Don’t u?)...(and this IS the way i talk...i have no idea what my accent is...so get over it...i did!!), If you feel i am fat....keep it to yourself, if you feel my face is not looking as bright as usual...press your mute button, if you feel i look tired...shut it,...for you do not say these things in love or for cares sake...you say these things in/with contempt. Deal with yourself...i love u...but let me deal with me and u do the same.
So the next time you feel 'compelled' to utter your view, ...take a moment, breathe and ask yourself :
1. Am i saying this coz i care about her...truly care about her?
2.Am i saying this to her coz she is my friend and i love her?
3. Am i in her sphere of people she loves and respects and thus , cares for my opinion?
4.Am i building her up or breaking her down?
5.....yes...i thought so...if you got none of the above, it simply means...back up and keep the thought to yourself.
in simple words...shut it!For lack of better words, from Justin Timberlake, TI, and now ...me (please note these are not my role models at all...but if u knew me you would already know that)..."the old me is dead and gone."
For those who will want to join me in my journey, offering a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, dreams to share, laughter, sunshine, peace, reason, challenge, love, ...if you are gona teach me to reach new heights, challenge world views, think outside the very well defined claustrophobic box that Kenyan life can be...go ahead and walk with me, talk with me, laugh with me , cry with me...for lack of better words and reference for this rambling session:
" I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined,
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before me....."
yes u guessed it right, miss Natasha's lyrcis somehow came to mind...if you will join me in this journey and help me fill the 'blank page' with stories of triumph, patience, love, ...and all other life-related and not death driven things,...take my hand.
If you wish to help nourish my spirit and redirect and discipline my soul with words from His book, pull me up as I pull you up...take my hand....for together we will grow as the journey is a challenging one. When your flask runs dry and thirst creeps in, i will share my water with you...when you are weary and His words and promises seem distant, i will be by your side to remind you that He is forever faithful and will share your load...i will share your victories, happiness and also your pain and sorrow.
For the rest yall...u dont seem to realise,...as a 'so called' phlegmatic/melancholy...i have enough moods, negativity to conquer..i dont need u to drag me down your valley. Good bye for now, until i can handle you. So, if you have noticed me smile when you say all the negative things you can think of, its coz they will be bouncing right off me,... i will be nothing more than a mirror reflecting...for i refuse to be a sponge absorbing.
And if you get too much for my bearing..i will tell you to your face...with all the love ...if i say it, it means i care enough to want you in my sphere..if i dont...it means what you said, was a waste of energy on your part as it did not even bruise me, ...and my smile...will tell it all....you are nowhere in or near my sphere and thus my response is wasted energy and thus, i silently move on and leave you with your demons to deal with.
If i dare to do the same to you, and hurt you, ...rebuke me , tell me...for i am only human...for i would hate to be a leech: “leeches attach to their hosts and remain there until they become full, at which point they fall off to digest”...thanks wiki.
If you catch me being a leech, a negative bundle of sorrows,...slap me out of it, i will say sorry , slap myself again and snap back into me....
4:40 am...new chapter can begin...old chapter closed.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Substitute
Are you someone’s substitute?Filling in for another, part time lover, assistant or friend?
Where are you depositing your heart, soul...or pieces of it? Is your heart...soul...whole to begin with?
Are you somebody’s fool? Plaything...?? Disposable paper plate they eat out of?
See what’s really twisted ladies is that you believe that you are getting what you wish as well , ..."no strings attached"...you get the Gucci, the free drinks, the holidays...if that is what you believe you are worth.That’s the funniest things ever..."no strings attached”...that would compare you to an animal with simple procreation rules...no intelligence......no soul...no spirit...
‘No strings attached’...doesn’t exist...even in the animal kingdom there’s dominance over breeding...and strategies....so, woman...are you reducing you’re status to that of an animal, a mere mammal?
You are a complex being...mind, body, soul...spirit...when you connect, you connect on a spiritual level...and what you attach yourself to and whom you commune with determines what you let into your soul...and inevitably, who you become.
Is your soul broken in pieces...scattered across: I mean:...Tom had some (on and off fling)...Daniel on the one night (drunken stupor)...James for 4 years (you loved him right?)...Eric over the weekend (he took you to Spain last year and his wife doesn’t know how to treat him right like you do).
What will you have to give when you find Mr. almost right and head to the marriage counter (seemingly marriage is becoming a mere transaction these days....)
Are you a number in someone’s little black book...number 178......the 3am call?
He didn’t create you to be second best, someone’s toy...someone’s fool...someone’s replacement, pass time? Don’t you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made ...that He knew you and you’re purpose as you lay in secret in your mother’s womb?Do you not understand the price He paid for you? You’re so precious, a Kings daughter...a princess.
Woman you are a pearl why do you give yourself to the pigs?
The men in this generation have lost their identity in women, sex, and drink...a confused generation. Man is busy creating substitutes to fulfil his lust, reduced to destroying and conquering women...when he was created to go out and conquer nations and protect his one woman at all cost.
The woman follows as the man leads...the family, society. So where are we headed?
Why would you settle to be someone’s mistress and not someone’s Queen?
Are you someone’s fall back ‘friend’, trying to please everyone you come across, wasting your energy on every human you encounter along the way. Feeling spent and used?
Ask Him to pick up the pieces, to gather your soul from the corners of the earth and fill you with His love and affection making you whole again and complete. Ask Him to show you the light...He is the light...tell Him you know no better...and to shield you from the predators, the soul takers and soul breakers ...Ask Him to be the guard of your heart, mind, body , spirit. Do not go it alone, you may make it 1 day, even a week without picking up that 3am call... you may make it a month, year...without seeing the one who has the “access code” to your heart, ...and thus, to your pants...no ID required. You cannot do it alone, you’re body’s weak, fallen from Eves bite of the apple...you need body armour...soul armour...That’s what He is there for. He is your defender, protector.
Next time Dan calls ...don’t pick up... (His voice makes your knees weak remember...)
Next time Susan asks you for an emergency loan (read-to buy a Gucci bag)...tell her you’re budget for the month is done...
Next time he sends you flowers...bin them...better yet...visit the hospital, someone needs flowers, a lonely heart, who never receives visitors, brighten up their day...no need to ruin a good set of flowers.:-)
Run woman, run... the minute you choose to ‘talk’ over coffee about his upcoming divorce (read-never leaving wife but will tell you what you need to hear) you have already lost. Run and don’t look back...
See what you have to understand is that some people do ‘seem’ to have unlimited access to your spirit...until you ask Him to close that door...you tweaked it open the minute you were attracted to Richard, and flung it wide open the minute you bedded him.
Woman, thou are a precious stone that should be set up on a pedestal and the one you are with should make you shine brighter and brighter each day, not tainting you with lies, deceit...and butchering you’re soul into pieces.
Ask Him for a prince in your life who will raise you up and love you unconditionally...and He will provide. A man who knows that destiny and purpose are key and most importantly, a man after Gods own heart.
Where are you depositing your heart, soul...or pieces of it? Is your heart...soul...whole to begin with?
Are you somebody’s fool? Plaything...?? Disposable paper plate they eat out of?
See what’s really twisted ladies is that you believe that you are getting what you wish as well , ..."no strings attached"...you get the Gucci, the free drinks, the holidays...if that is what you believe you are worth.That’s the funniest things ever..."no strings attached”...that would compare you to an animal with simple procreation rules...no intelligence......no soul...no spirit...
‘No strings attached’...doesn’t exist...even in the animal kingdom there’s dominance over breeding...and strategies....so, woman...are you reducing you’re status to that of an animal, a mere mammal?
You are a complex being...mind, body, soul...spirit...when you connect, you connect on a spiritual level...and what you attach yourself to and whom you commune with determines what you let into your soul...and inevitably, who you become.
Is your soul broken in pieces...scattered across: I mean:...Tom had some (on and off fling)...Daniel on the one night (drunken stupor)...James for 4 years (you loved him right?)...Eric over the weekend (he took you to Spain last year and his wife doesn’t know how to treat him right like you do).
What will you have to give when you find Mr. almost right and head to the marriage counter (seemingly marriage is becoming a mere transaction these days....)
Are you a number in someone’s little black book...number 178......the 3am call?
He didn’t create you to be second best, someone’s toy...someone’s fool...someone’s replacement, pass time? Don’t you know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made ...that He knew you and you’re purpose as you lay in secret in your mother’s womb?Do you not understand the price He paid for you? You’re so precious, a Kings daughter...a princess.
Woman you are a pearl why do you give yourself to the pigs?
The men in this generation have lost their identity in women, sex, and drink...a confused generation. Man is busy creating substitutes to fulfil his lust, reduced to destroying and conquering women...when he was created to go out and conquer nations and protect his one woman at all cost.
The woman follows as the man leads...the family, society. So where are we headed?
Why would you settle to be someone’s mistress and not someone’s Queen?
Are you someone’s fall back ‘friend’, trying to please everyone you come across, wasting your energy on every human you encounter along the way. Feeling spent and used?
Ask Him to pick up the pieces, to gather your soul from the corners of the earth and fill you with His love and affection making you whole again and complete. Ask Him to show you the light...He is the light...tell Him you know no better...and to shield you from the predators, the soul takers and soul breakers ...Ask Him to be the guard of your heart, mind, body , spirit. Do not go it alone, you may make it 1 day, even a week without picking up that 3am call... you may make it a month, year...without seeing the one who has the “access code” to your heart, ...and thus, to your pants...no ID required. You cannot do it alone, you’re body’s weak, fallen from Eves bite of the apple...you need body armour...soul armour...That’s what He is there for. He is your defender, protector.
Next time Dan calls ...don’t pick up... (His voice makes your knees weak remember...)
Next time Susan asks you for an emergency loan (read-to buy a Gucci bag)...tell her you’re budget for the month is done...
Next time he sends you flowers...bin them...better yet...visit the hospital, someone needs flowers, a lonely heart, who never receives visitors, brighten up their day...no need to ruin a good set of flowers.:-)
Run woman, run... the minute you choose to ‘talk’ over coffee about his upcoming divorce (read-never leaving wife but will tell you what you need to hear) you have already lost. Run and don’t look back...
See what you have to understand is that some people do ‘seem’ to have unlimited access to your spirit...until you ask Him to close that door...you tweaked it open the minute you were attracted to Richard, and flung it wide open the minute you bedded him.
Woman, thou are a precious stone that should be set up on a pedestal and the one you are with should make you shine brighter and brighter each day, not tainting you with lies, deceit...and butchering you’re soul into pieces.
Ask Him for a prince in your life who will raise you up and love you unconditionally...and He will provide. A man who knows that destiny and purpose are key and most importantly, a man after Gods own heart.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
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