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Saturday, August 1, 2009 at 5:38am

So yes,I am back onto this page, much sooner than I anticipated I must admit. A friend suggested a good place to pour my heart out,...a blog, and will most def try it. For now, this will have to do, for my imperfections, are for all to see, (almost), for i have nothing to hide. And for the ones who want to judge, guess they have more issues than me.

So yes, why am I back here, and why don’t i have a darn title for this continuation...well..twas that feeling again. That feeling between your throat and belly ... (and no, not heartburn..). But yes, why did that rise up again, I mean, it almost felt like I was disappointed, but how can you be disappointed when you didn’t expect anything. Guess it’s the ‘me pointing a finger at someone thing, and three fingers are pointing right back at me’

So, me and my ‘emotions’ have been together for the last 26 years...and you would figure we pretty much know each other pretty well. Only problem is , rarely do I feel and think what i actually am supposed to feel and think, rather i am influenced to feel and think in a certain manner...get my drift???..Now is when i totally understand a certain gentleman who mentioned that he gets uncomfortable when a woman begins a sentence with the words ‘I feel like’. I mean, that’s similar to , I don’t ‘feel like’ going to work today, I ‘feel like’ having a chocolate, i ‘feel like’ that woman hates me, 'i feel like' you ignore me these days....yes...I understand now, and boy do I hate to admit that this certain gentleman may be right(a chapter for another day).

So now it will be...i am happy, I am sad,...get my drift??So back to the question of what is me, what is TV and radio ingrained in me, and what are the whispers and suggestions from the one around me...

So yes, ...still on the operating table. I guess It’s me, and finding my identity, which lies in Him. And I know he is moulding me, polishing and smoothening me out to be the diamond he created me to be...but sometimes the welding and chipping away gets a little painful and i wish a panadol could sort it out. But i guess the pain doesn’t last long, especially as you ask Him to sort it out.

It’s amazing how an emotion can disappear as soon as you refuse to acknowledge it, and choose not to ‘feel’ it. Guess I need to give myself a break and remember He created me in His image and likeness, so i am really truly awesome, just need to get that into my head..lol

And why is it that some people trigger such intense emotions...i mean...it’s not lust...we’re over that...and it isn’t love...coz that takes a looong time to develop. I mean love is partly being able to still want to be with your partner even after finding out the MAJOR issues THEY have! (But i am learning a new sort of love, a pure, brotherly love....yes, it exists.)

What i do know now, is i refuse to be a puppet to the world and hence i will have my emotion checker ready....emotion comes in, i investigate its origin and intended destination(usually heart and/or mind)...divert it. sample:

Anger checks in, and I’m like, dude, u got the wrong address. i kick him out and tell him there’s no room for him in this temple. See, he’s one of the most evil ones. At first, he actually seems to be you’re friend and fills you with a sort of 'justification’...a sense of...well...u know what i mean. and a part of you’re soul enjoys him and sneaks him in. See i compare him to a bottle of tequila....what started off as one fun shot, ends up with u hugging your roommates toilet bowl, with uncontrollable contractions, head buzzing and a question of why, why did u do this??. See , he is just as good as having a best fiend living with you ,who then betrays you by sleeping with your husband and having his 4 children. You let him in, he will slowly, but surely destroy you, and those around you. He is tempting, makes u feel good for a while, and never really stays to see the carnage he has left behind. He swifly moves on.

Jealousy tries to check in I tell her to SOD off for there’s a no entry sign posted with her name and picture on it. See I have encountered her before and she turns u into an ugly creature, far beyond youre comprehension and realisation. Best to keep her out, always! She seems gorgeous and usually has her twin sister 'envy; with her. They skip along and ask you to join them, and if you don’t stop to look into their eyes, you will be lost in their warped world, trapped in a maze with no way out. If you did take a second to look, you would see beyond her flawless skin, and bouncy curls...deep pools of darkness that display the very centre of her soul. See, what she doesn’t tell you is that she needs you to join her in her world of misery, confusion, and she will then introduce you to her best friends anxiety and low-self esteem.She never really leaves, until fully evicted. she moves in with her 12 cats, 6 geese, 4 snakes and a smelly pig.she uses your tooth brush, empties out your fridge, and uses up the last roll of tissue.She never willingly gives up her accomodation. Lo and behold, Prozac prescriptions...yup..rising.

Happiness visits and I invite her in to have a seat and cool off,..and no..not happiness that comes in a little white package, from tiny mushrooms, tequila or ganja, (those are all fake imitations straight from Beijing)...Just her in her pure yellow summery dress self, With no hangover effects!!So i pour her a glass of juice and bake her a scrumptious apple pie, her favourite...see with her, i do anything, anything to keep her around. i am at my best with her and Joy, my 2 best friends. See , if you dont appreciate them , and look for them every day, they can seem to have stopped coming over when all along, they were patiently waiting outside for you to come into the world, and explore it with them, but that was the day you chose to stay in bed and cry your heart out coz some boy didnt call, or u called in sick coz u cant stand your boss, or ...u get my drift. See, its not that she hides from you, or goes on vacation, in fact, u seem to hide from her and shut the door on her. and since she's a lady, she does not beg..She’ll leave a few messages then pick up her rejected self and move on. She, unlike the rest, isnt persistent, she is patient and kind, and honours you’re choices.But she will still visit you every morning to check if you will let her in,after a few knocks she gives up and tries to catch you during your busy day.Thing is, as she left, her enemies were already in line to take you over, and block all interaction with her for the day.,,

Loneliness...lol..he doesn’t feature much in my vocabulary. He is such a Looser!!dude man, this guy is some skinny short dude, handsomely challenged. He walks around sagging his baggy jeans, gangsta like wanabe thinking he is jayz or smtin.lol. Guy is such a looser, but never ever underestimate him.He carries with him weapons . He offers you help, help to make the wrong choices like picking up the phone to call an abusive x. Dude’s malicious man. If you let him in, you will find yourself constantly moaning how ‘lonely’ you are. check youself, never utter those words!lo and behold, ..yup..say it with me...prozac prescriptions keep on rising

Sadness checks in and I ask for strength from the Holy Spirit. See, i figure there are 2 types of sadness, the first, is just as pathetic as loneliness. I will introduce her as the 'self pity bug'. She’s not very good looking, pretty hideous actually, but she’s a part of you, if you let her be. she is the ‘why me?’, the ‘i wana kill myself coz i am fat and ugly and no boys like me’. She is only powerful if you let her be. you need to kick her sorry behind out of you.See she’s so whack she doesn’t even have her own identity really. True sadness on the other hand, the empty, low feeling, or feeling of loss...amongst others...reach out to Him. Ask Him to pull you out or to send his angels to carry you on their wings as you ride out the wave. He can raise you up above the strom and give you peace that surpases all understanding.Malice,...well, to be honest, i only see him on T.V and i wana keep it that that way

Lust tries to poke her head in i kick the b£$%^and do not even let her utter a word as she is dangerous. She hangs around street corners, outside your house and sometimes comes to bed with you. She’s pretty much like a prostitute, filled with filth, and uses your biological weaknesses, your polluted mind (tv, radio, ..all communcaition it seems) against you. See , the only card she has is the ‘suggestion’ card. Yet again, do not underestimate her.She suggests to you that that girl has an awesome behind, she suggests to you that 'so what if i kiss him, no one will ever know', she suggests to you 'how wonderful it would be to have his strong arms around you, his kiss on your forehead'. If you let her in, she will keep you pretty preoccupied with topics such as, 'how gorgeous her legs look in that tiny skirt', (even though the ‘her’ is your best friends wife..tuttut). The suggestion card may seem weak, but look at the theory of persuasion. The suggestion that you need to buy a a tommy hilfiger shirt, DnG bag...we live in a world full of suggestions. The suggestion that you need to ‘hit it’ with that girl, or bag that man. Her goal, is to turn the suggestion into action...she then invites her boyfriends (please note the plural) guilt and shame, and the roller coaster begins...or rather, the train ride from hell. A simple yet effective cycle of lust, action, guilt, shame, lust, action, guilt...you get my drift. So next time she suggests something slap the b*&^% and give her directions to the playboy mansion or Kim Kardashian’s residence.

Anxiety checks in, and turns you into a panic freak. Trust me, i know, ...so first few signs of her entry, deep breaths, and hand over the issue to the one above, remembering He has good plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

As a so called phleg-mel, i guess my circle is a small one, tight nevertheless. And if i let you in, you’re in for life...and i guess there are just those people who you will feel strongly for, with no apparent reason or logic. A sort of bond, but not an ungodly soul tie...that’s not healthy, lol. So yes, working on not being so analytical, touchy,...just a little more careful on who i let into my circle of trust, and a little more prudent on the weapons listed above for their strategies do change, but I’m pretty prepared for i do not fight the fight alone, He has already won battle for me.so for now, checking out