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Tuesday, July 28, 2009 at 8:53pm

When you're heart aches,...or is it your heart...thats so cliche...but yes, there is a pain, not sure why...welll, kind of.It sort of sits in between youre throat and belly.

its so hard doin whats right. You fall, graze a knee, get back up again. But sometimes you fall, break an ankle, rib, and puncture a flippin lung and end up in A&E and you simply, clearly cant get up on your own. All my life i try and avoid the A&E situation, but when does the grazing of knees and twisting of ankles stop? i mean, it should have stopped way earlier, at least in my teens right? we're wiser now right, grown up, no running around playing hide and seek, and tripping,..... instead we steadely...carefully.... march onto oncoming traffic, almost get run over, and still get back onto the busy highway, ever so carefully, coz we're older now, we dont run, children run...

so, i know where to turn to.always have.which is good coz He sorts things out. and i guess the reality may be, you may need to break every part of your body, and have Him fix it all over again...every tendon, ligament.full body reconstruction.i get it, and sometimes your falls are cushioned, a bit of a warning.but do you ever learn?

so yes, when do we get up, grow up?i guess never??when do the struggles stop, ...i mean the battles in your heart and mind, one force against another.Just when u gain victory and get comfortable, you let your guard down, when you get that smug look on your face ...u get punched in the face for it, and boy does it hurt.
so emotions, a roller coster...cliche, yes..but whats actually me, whats tv and radio ingrained in me, and whats the whispers of the one around me.when I'm sad, am i actually sad or programed to think i am , and thus end up 'sad'? when we 'love' , 'like', ...lust or spiritual connection? u tell me.

i am no longer smug, the punch in the face of my weakness sorted that out so, what do you do when you do something that isnt good, and yet, ...u really actually, dont feel that bad.i guess you come to the realisation it really isnt and wasnt good...with time.Is it all a game we choose to partake in?willing participants?comical. It seems we can be puppets.Coz sometimes you think your on the side line,watching the game...but lo and behold, ure damn right in the centre of it. U aint no cheerleader or the chubby kid with the hotdog in the stands...ure in, and there's only 2 options, win or loose. pride comes in.ofcourse youre doin ok, all's well right?ofcourse your winning right?

guess still have a lot of growing up to do, and now know never to be too comfortable, coz the consequences not only affect me but my destiny and that of others.so when do you know when the season is over. when is it time to move and leave a dear one behind as you take separate paths?....since i dont have the courage, i will take the easier option and place it in His hands for i am weak, so weak.so yes, in His hands i leave it for i know nothing. i say, His will shall be done.And if His will is for one to part ways with another so be it, for its one season over, and another begins. What did I harvest in the season, what did i sow or reap? thats the answer.

another chapter begins...Praying for wisdom.sweet wisdom