ode to a new me...

ode to a new me.....goodbye old self.....(dedicated to all)

Friday, April 10, 2009 at 6:28am

I began this as I edited my profile...but then...it extended to more than a thought...so I continue...

I have lived most of my life really caring what people think about me, asking myself whether i have hurt you and whether you like what i am wearing. I sweat over what you’re thinking, have I offended you, is my perfume too strong, do i walk funny, are my teeth white enough...and let’s not forget...how many kilos have i gained,...so, i turn a new chapter, at 3:40am, 10/april/09 I begin a new me.

I am sick and tired. I will not spend energy thinking of you and what I 'MAY' have, 'COULD' have or 'SHOULD' have done. i am not going to turn extreme, I have my values... and ofcourse I would not want to intentionally or unintentionally offend anyone...but I will not let it take control of my life.
Turning worry into prayer works, so Less worry and anxiety is the way forward. . so if you are reading this and i know you, please read on...if i dont know you, read on... if you like...

i am emptying out some garbage and unloading some bags off my tired shoulders. if you are someone who is always telling me 'how much weight i have gained', or "how funny my hair looks",...or whatever other random “lovely” (note the sarcasm ) things..., then i may need you out of my life for a little while. For unless you are in my sphere of the ones that i love; family and friends from childhood, people I respect and care for or hold in high esteem...keep your 'lovely' 'thoughtful' comments to thou self. I aint being harsh, just tired of your negative talk. It drains me and I don’t know why i tolerate it! If you are someone who talks of so and so, and how they have changed, and other mundane issues...keep away. It’s not that i don’t love you...or care for you..tis just that you are contagious and i don’t need to catch anything right now, i have enough of my own issues to deal with.
So please, if you fall in this list...understand. Understand that it’s not you, it’s me...well kind of.. (i know...cliche...). I am sick and tired of you using me to make you feel better! if you are weak and need my weakness to make yourself feel strong by showing me i am weaker than you are, or to make yourself feel attractive by showing me how less attractive i am, or need to remind me how so much thinner you are, and how i have a few more kilos than you do, or whatever other issues you have...take a minute reflect, ...and do the moonwalk out of my life. i love you, but can love you from a distance

If you somehow feel ‘compelled’ to talk about how so and so failed, and how you dont think she can do it....or how i cant do it...If you are ‘compelled’ to let me know that what i dream is impossible...keep away...or i will keep away. u simply have to understand that we can not exist in the same sphere at the moment.

If you fill me with encouragement, joy,...if you know you bring the best out of me, ..step a little closer as i need you. If you are the sunshine that creeps in after the rain,or the one who dances with me in the rain, ..the rainbow in my sky, come closer. If you love me for me, and know my potential, If you will never tell me to give up and always tell me the truth (loving truth, no matter how hurtful ) i invite you in.

i am sick and tired of the parasites and leeches that have been sucking the blood out of me and i did not realise what you were doin until i simply had no more blood to give...not even enough for myself. I say these words lovingly. for you seem not to understand, we all have issues, so did u not think that i hadnt noticed that “my hair looks 'funny' today”, that “my skirt has grown a little tighter”, or that i can not fit into my favourite jeans, that i didnt notice,as i awoke tired from 3-4 hours sleep with nill REM sleep that I 'look tired'...or do you just have to verbally or body signal-like state this??!!

If you feel i am not Kenyan enough and I put on my so called ‘accent’ and i can not speak my mother tongue and thus you are more Kenyan than me, or i am a spoilt brat from hillcrest secondary...keep it to yourself (for u have spent too much time analysing me, the way i talk, ...i mean...you must have something better to do? Don’t u?)...(and this IS the way i talk...i have no idea what my accent is...so get over it...i did!!), If you feel i am fat....keep it to yourself, if you feel my face is not looking as bright as usual...press your mute button, if you feel i look tired...shut it,...for you do not say these things in love or for cares sake...you say these things in/with contempt. Deal with yourself...i love u...but let me deal with me and u do the same.

So the next time you feel 'compelled' to utter your view, ...take a moment, breathe and ask yourself :
1. Am i saying this coz i care about her...truly care about her?
2.Am i saying this to her coz she is my friend and i love her?
3. Am i in her sphere of people she loves and respects and thus , cares for my opinion?
4.Am i building her up or breaking her down?
5.....yes...i thought so...if you got none of the above, it simply means...back up and keep the thought to yourself.
in simple words...shut it!For lack of better words, from Justin Timberlake, TI, and now ...me (please note these are not my role models at all...but if u knew me you would already know that)..."the old me is dead and gone."

For those who will want to join me in my journey, offering a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, dreams to share, laughter, sunshine, peace, reason, challenge, love, ...if you are gona teach me to reach new heights, challenge world views, think outside the very well defined claustrophobic box that Kenyan life can be...go ahead and walk with me, talk with me, laugh with me , cry with me...for lack of better words and reference for this rambling session:

" I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined,
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before me....."

yes u guessed it right, miss Natasha's lyrcis somehow came to mind...if you will join me in this journey and help me fill the 'blank page' with stories of triumph, patience, love, ...and all other life-related and not death driven things,...take my hand.

If you wish to help nourish my spirit and redirect and discipline my soul with words from His book, pull me up as I pull you up...take my hand....for together we will grow as the journey is a challenging one. When your flask runs dry and thirst creeps in, i will share my water with you...when you are weary and His words and promises seem distant, i will be by your side to remind you that He is forever faithful and will share your load...i will share your victories, happiness and also your pain and sorrow.

For the rest yall...u dont seem to realise,...as a 'so called' phlegmatic/melancholy...i have enough moods, negativity to conquer..i dont need u to drag me down your valley. Good bye for now, until i can handle you. So, if you have noticed me smile when you say all the negative things you can think of, its coz they will be bouncing right off me,... i will be nothing more than a mirror reflecting...for i refuse to be a sponge absorbing.
And if you get too much for my bearing..i will tell you to your face...with all the love ...if i say it, it means i care enough to want you in my sphere..if i dont...it means what you said, was a waste of energy on your part as it did not even bruise me, ...and my smile...will tell it all....you are nowhere in or near my sphere and thus my response is wasted energy and thus, i silently move on and leave you with your demons to deal with.

If i dare to do the same to you, and hurt you, ...rebuke me , tell me...for i am only human...for i would hate to be a leech: “leeches attach to their hosts and remain there until they become full, at which point they fall off to digest”...thanks wiki.
If you catch me being a leech, a negative bundle of sorrows,...slap me out of it, i will say sorry , slap myself again and snap back into me....

4:40 am...new chapter can begin...old chapter closed.